Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
