i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
