I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He shit in the fireplace
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
