I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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