I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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