I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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