Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
