thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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