this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize