Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
