Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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