I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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