thus making me awesome and them whores
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
