Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
