I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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