Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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