What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
a search helicopter?!
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Text me some of your sweat
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
