fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
