How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
