I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize