There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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