Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
