My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
