he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize