why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
