So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
