I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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