Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
