I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
