Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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