I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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