Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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