On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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