she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
