I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
