By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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