Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
