Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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