Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
