3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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