ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
