I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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