Ketchup is God's man juice
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
