So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
