I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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