I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
