Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
