when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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