jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
