high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
