between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
