whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
