Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
