Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize