...so i touched it.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
