I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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