There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
