i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
