Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
