I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
