Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
