He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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