Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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