I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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